November 28, 2004

There are some days when I am bursting with ideas to write about, but I have no desire to actually sit down and do it.  And then there are other days, like today, when I sit here in front of the computer, idly surfing through blogs, itching to write something, but unsure what that something should be.

At moments like either of those, I can concoct all sorts of theories about how creativity occurs at the nexus of inspiration and initiative, just to make myself feel better about not writing.  Then I remember the wonderful adage that Rita Celestial likes to throw at me when she knows I need it:  Writing is the act of applying the ass to the chair.

And so here I am.  Ass in chair.  Even so, I'm finding it hard to get started on anything.  I've been feeling frustrated lately.  Stifled.  And just a little bit lost.

I have this theme in my life, and it is basically this:  a total and complete disregard for the moral of the Tortoise and the Hare.  I have been rushing, panicked, frantic to make events in my life go smoother and happen quicker, only to end up creating the exact opposite effect.  This manifests itself in my past in the form of me, rearranging schedules, transferring schools, and changing jobs and majors.  I can see these patterns in hindsight, and they emerge to tell a story of a young woman anxiously trying to cheat time, and setting herself up to fail.

Now, having seen this pattern, I'm trying to avoid repeating it.  I don't want to fall back into that way of thinking--if I just do this and then this and then this, everything will work out fine.  I want to learn to just stay the course, slow and steady.  The problem is, I'm not sure how.  It's one thing to look back three years and decide what you should have done--it's another thing to do that in the present day.

So here I am.  With a degree, and debt.  With an incredibly stoic and supportive husband who really deserves to be doing something besides paying for me to go to school.  With a deep-seeded belief that I need to become a teacher, even though that process would take a year and a half to complete.  Not to mention that ego-driven need to prove that, now that I have a degree, I can get a real job, and take some financial responsibility like the adult that I am. Oh, and we'd also both really like to have a kid, like right now, because we've been waiting for quite a while.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to apply ass to chair.  I just don't know which chair.  It seems like the sensible, realistic thing to do is find whatever job I can that pays an entry level type salary (significantly more than I'm earning now), and work of the debt, then have a kid, and go from there.  But the part of me who analyzes my past tells me that is just more of my try-to-make-things-happen-fast scheming, and that since I know I want to eventually be a teacher, I should just be a teacher.  Work towards the credential, and in a year and a half, that will be done.  And really, a year and a half is not that long.  But then, there are plenty of other little voices telling me that this is a cop-out to get out of having to find a real job, and that the financial stress will be too much, and that the financial-aid business I've been trying to decipher just sounds like more scheming.  By the end of the day, I have second guessed myself so much that I can't hold a clear thought about anything.

I know that shit happens, and that plans get shot to hell, and that if we did end up having a kid right now, we would find some way to handle it and everything would be fine.  I accept that.  But at the same time, I'm haunted by this feeling that everything I've done in the past with the specific goal of making our lives better, has ended up making our lives worse--or at least more difficult.  A lot of that doesn't stand up under scrutiny, but some of it does, at least in my mind, and nothing so far (not even Shorn's persistent reassurance) has helped me shake this feeling.  What I want to do is break the pattern.  I want to go the direct route, for once, and do something that gives me concrete results--lets me see that I have accomplished a real goal.

But what is the slow and steady course in this case?  Get the job and build the foundation to do the more immediate things I want (have kid, not be in debt) but still have the unsettled business of being a teacher "some day"?  Or keep plowing through until I achieve the long term goal of becoming a teacher, knowing that each of my two previous trips back to college have taken us farther away from the immediate (kid ) goal (by increasing debt and general expenses and generally making things way more complicated)?  

I wish I could say that I knew in my heart that one of these was the right choice, but I really don't.  Any input would be appreciated.