August 22, 2004

It's been a cold and gloomy weekend. It's the kind of weather that would make me happy if it was October or April, and I lived within casual messing-around distance of the ocean, and there was some honest-to-god fog creeping in and obscuring the view and smelling all sweet and fresh.

Without those elements, the gloomy weather just makes me feel gloomy, despite my best efforts at distraction.

And there are certainly plenty of things to distract me. There are all these books that I'm in the middle of--I could finish those. And then there's the 2-page supplemental that I have to write and 'sell myself' for that job application, by tonight. And the game that I'm supposed to be running in an hour, that I haven't looked at since last Sunday. Or, I could be checking craigslist, since Shorn and I are looking for a house (to rent). And I haven't done my writing exercise for today, or taken a walk. And Shorn and I forgot to play tennis...

You get the idea. Somehow, none of those things seemed like a good idea today. The sky is overcast, and there's nothing that holds my attention for more than fifteen minutes. Instead, I just sit around, feeling itch.

I'm sure writing that supplemental piece would do wonders for my mood. But it's hard to hype yourself when you're gloomy. It's a vicious circle. Time to just go ahead and get it over with, I guess.

Does everybody have this much trouble writing about themselves? Hell, I am one of my favorite subjects, and I think I am perfectly suited for this job. I can come up with dozens of specific reasons for this job--more than two pages worth, I am sure. So why do I have this crater in the pit of my stomach just thinking about writing this thing? Why am I trying to undermine myself by procrastinating so long that I miss the deadline? It's gotten to the point where I can't tell if I have a serious bad feeling about this job, or if I'm just holding onto bad vibes from the rejection from the last job. Logically, I tend to thing it's the later, but I'm having an unusually hard time writing this thing.

Sigh. And it's almost time for the peeps to get here. I know what I'll be thinking about all evening.