July 27, 2004

One day off = good.

Two days off = a drastic improvement in my quality of life.

My mini-vacation started yesterday when I pulled my car into the carport. I felt a euphoric sense of freedom and joy as I faced the prospect of two whole days to myself, to get things back in order. I have been battling stress and disorder since my botched attempt at a day off last week. My infrastructure was blown, and my ego was bruised by a morning or job hunting that was doomed from the beginning. I can cope gracefully when things are in a certain minimal semblance of order. But when luggage has exploded all over the house, the fridge is empty, and my schedule is in upheaval, the words "cope" and "grace" do not enter into the picture. It's more like "I freak out, with much drama." Be happy you don't live with me.

But today, things are much better. I have no duties, no schedule today. And I have assigned myself one task: get the house into a state where I am comfortable living in it. After that, everything will fall into place. I know this, from experience, and I have learned not to ignore things that I know.

For instance: I know I shouldn't try to organize a closet at 9 o'clock at night, while unpacking from a camping trip. I now know that attempting to do so can trigger a chain of events that will make everything that happens in the following week seemed like the end of the world.

I know that I'm an introverted person. Too much time around people, even people I like, wears me down. When I get real worn down, I am no good to anybody in any way that requires my input. I cannot make plans. I cannot make conversation. I can go to work, and be perfectly chipper, because work is rote. But I can't go out for dinner and socializing. And I when I'm worn, I can't explain all this.

And I know recover my energy by relaxing in the solitude of my home. I can be at home with Shorn, because he is the same way, and we have evolved a routine of mutual down-time for occasions when we are "peopled out", so that we can both gather our thoughts. I don’t' think I could be married any other way. I would just get sick of the person I lived with, if they were constantly “on”.

I also know that I'm kind of an anal person. To the point where the president of my company pointed that out to me yesterday, and I took it as a point of pride. And one of the things that I am anal about is my home. It doesn't have to be spotless, and it never is. But there is a certain level of cleanliness and orderliness that I try to maintain. When it's at that level, the house continues to stay clean, with only my basic routines in place. Below that level, the whole thing falls apart, unless Shorn or I devote ourselves to upkeep. When the house is below that level, it weighs upon me, and I cannot relax.

So this past week, I was over-socialized to the point where I could not even recognize, much less explain, that I was over-socialized. And the house was a mess to the point where Shorn and I could not go through the most basic routines (i.e. load and unload dishwasher and laundry, cook dinner, etc) and neither of us had time to fix it. And I was suffering from an ever-increasing lack of sleep. And I was experiencing on the heaviest periods I've had in years. And I was trying to enact all these lifestyle changes that I had planned in previous weeks (Let's go fishing! Let's play tennis! Let's eat healthier!) and I was simply too tired and whacked and anal to let go of those plans.

So yeah, it was a bad week.

But today is the start of a new week. So far I have managed to get a good night's sleep (second in a row!), have breakfast with Shorn, drink my tea while reading for a bit, take a shower (complete with jasmine incense) and start the laundry.

Things are looking up.