October 20, 2003
Well, I've made a pact with myself to try to update this thing every day, even if it is short. Some days, however, it's just hard to get started--the inspiration is not there. Today was one of those days. Not a bad day at all, actually quite a pleasant one. But a mellow, low energy type of day. The act of writing seemed like more intellectual effort than I really wanted to put out. Even reading seemed like a strain on the brainpower, and I ended up reorganizing my books rather than reading any of them :P
So I was all geared up to give myself the day off from writing. After all, nobody but me knew I was supposed to be updating daily. And I went to computer class all set to dick around and not do anything productive. But then I went through my blogs that I read, and found VSC's four(!) updates, and her message that I had inspired her, and I felt compelled to update. After all, my reason for having a personal daily writing assignment is not because the world needs my blog. It's because I want to learn the discipline to sit down and write, even when I'm not particularly inspired. So I started doing some new research for my class, finished that, and emailed myself this:
Okay, it's Monday evening , and so that means that I am updating from my computer class. I've just finished the assignment that's due today--the one with the horizontal line. I already finished it once, last week, but today I decided to change my research topic. I'm going to research the effect that the internet has had on the publishing industry. I'll focus on sci-fi publishing, if I can find enough info. So I spent the first hour of class doing some preliminary research on the web. There's not a lot that specifically addresses my question, but I've found enough resources to throw together a respectable paper. It would have been much easier to go with one of my original ideas (eco or science related) but I wanted to do something new and more challenging.
Why do I do this to myself? Sigh. I think I have no choice. Perhaps I am destined to research and learn new things. Or perhaps I am simply destined to write a "Ack! I am working on a paper and I'm cranky and panicked and my life sucks!" blog every few months.
And now that I'm sitting back here at home, reading over my own words, I've come up with a third possibility. Maybe I go looking for new subjects to research because that's what I'm used to doing. At this point I'm pretty confident that I can research and write about just about any subject. That part's not the challenge anymore. The challenge I'm facing now is breaking out of this mold, without losing what I've learned.
I've decided, over the last few days, to commit more time to reading and writing. I enjoy doing both, but I find myself doing other things instead. Housework, surfing the web, TV, computer games--all the distracting little things that prevent me from slowing down and indulging in the human gift of literature. So I've changed my routines, to discourage the distractions. If there is some ideas on my mind, then I write as soon as the computer is turned on. Before checking any email, or reading any comics or blogs. A couple times in the last week, this has resulted in me writing for a good hour before I pause to do anything else. This works best when I'm home alone in the morning--namely Monday or Friday--but it is a helpful technique overall. I'm feeling confident about my ability to get back in the habit of writing again.
I've made similar changes to encourage more reading. I have several books going right now, which always encourages me to read. I'm a moody person, and I have a hard time picking up a book and enjoying it if I'm not in the mood. If I have several books going at once, then there's a good chance that I'll be in the mood for one of them, at any given moment. I've also left books strewn all over the house, so that there is always something close at hand to read. And I've cleaned up the spare bed in the computer room, so I can hang out with Shorn and heckle him while he plays PlanetSide, and have a comfy place to read.
So I'm getting back in the habit of reading for enjoyment, but it just seems a lot...harder...than it used to. I know that sounds really lame. After spending most of my time reading text books and scientific journal articles, sci-fi should be easy, right? But it's not. I'm so used to slogging through dense, dry material, and questioning every statement I come across. So when I sit down to read a book, I automatically read really slow. I stop and consciously ponder every paragraph. I stop and consciously analyze writing style and sentence structure. I mentally rewrite sentences.
If I make a conscious effort, I can read the proper way--fast--but it takes an absurd amount of focus. I figure that this is a temporary problem, and I can get over it by just reading a lot. I hope that is true. I've never been great reader, by conventional standards. Rita Celestial once identified my as the reader of the first 2/3rds of many books. I read stuff constantly, I just have commitment problems. But I've never had this sort of problem with the mechanics of reading. And I know I'm not naturally as fast a reader as Rita, or even Shorn, but this is ridiculous! I feel like I'm in second grade, trying to make it through a chapter book, with my lips moving while I read.
My goal is to take what I have the techniques I have learned at CSUH and integrate them into my reading and writing style without losing what I already had. Right now it's that second part that I'm having trouble with. If anybody has any suggestions, pass them along, please. Until then, I'll just be reading a lot. Slowly.